Yours, Mine and Ours

Yours, Mine and Ours

There’s a great old movie, Your’s, Mine and Our’s. It’s been redone since the original 1968 version, but I am partial to Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda.

It’s the story of a widower with 10 children and a widow, the mother of eight. They unexpectedly fall in love and tackle the overwhelming challenge of uniting their two families. It’s not a simple task. From finding a big enough house and divvying up bedrooms, to managing who goes to work and who stays home, to separating animal-like squabbles, the couple have their work cut out for them. However, like any good movie, it has a happy ending.

In our 10 short years of marriage, my husband I have faced similar odds trying to consolidate our individual friends and find couples that we both enjoy spending time with. Quite simply, it’s a “your’s, mine and our’s” situation.

Most of the time, we just do our own thing. Occasionally, there is an Army event that I am expected to attend. There I meet and socialize with his fellow commander’s wives. Afterward, I explain to him that I didn’t really enjoy it and I nestle back into “my” friendships and I let him have his.

There are several problems with this arrangement. Quite often, I confess, I chose my girlfriends over my husband. There’s a law against that kind of behavior when you’re dating. But, after you’re married, you expect that your spouse will be there anyway. Why make the sacrifice?

That brings up another issue. When we stubbornly go our own ways, neither of us learns to be Christ-like and consider others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3-4). It is the epitome of selfishness, which is directly contrary to a godly life.

Last weekend, we were both invited to attend two different potluck celebrations. One was hosted by his friends, the other by my very best friend. I argued the point that my friend had asked first, ignoring the fact that we had spent the previous weekend with her and that I saw her many times throughout the week. We confirmed for both events.

That produced a problem because they started at the same time and were only minutes apart. We headed off in our separate directions–him to fulfill one commitment and me to fulfill the other. We kept our commitments to our friends and placed our loyalty to each other in second place. Later I joined him at his friend’s home but left early and alone.

Was the decision sinful? Probably not. I am grateful that God has given us both wonderful friends and time to spend with them. But, in Genesis, God calls us to leave our nuclear families and to cleave to our spouse. That means to prefer them, to “cling or adhere” to them. If that is true of our relationships with our families, is it not even more true of our friendships?

Published at Start Marriage Right on August 9, 2012

When Help Hurts

When Help Hurts

Just pop a thermometer under your spouse’s tongue and read the digital diagnosis: It’s a simple case of poor communication. Just say two, “I’m sorries,” and make sure you say, “I love you” tomorrow. Or, maybe you have a bad case of jealousy. Simply elevate your quality time for a week and you’ll be fine.

Wouldn’t it be great if diagnosing and fixing our relationship troubles were that easy?

A few months ago, my sister was enjoying the evening with her family when she began to have sharp stomach pain. After about 24 hours of hoping it was a bug and downing anti-acids, she consulted a doctor. The doctor suggested a couple things it might be, gave her some medicine and said to wait it out. The pain lingered and progressed for nearly a week. Finally, in desperation, her husband took her to the emergency room. Following an X-ray and a consult with a surgeon, it was determined that her appendix had burst several days before.

Kelsey was in critical condition and emergency surgery probably saved her life. Similarly, ignoring relationship issues, unexplained discomfort or signs of trouble can put a marriage in critical condition.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a potentially fatal issue and one best left to resolve itself. When it is necessary, addressing a problem and getting help can be scary. Certainly, confrontation is painful. Just like my sister’s surgery, the pain can be cutting and there is often a long recovery time. However, getting help leads to healing.

How do you know when it’s time to seek help for your relationship’s pain? SeattleChristianCounseling.com cautions against a “get help before it’s too late” mentality.

Marriage counseling offers a way to slow down and give attention to your marriage as it is, whether you are suffering from deep rifts that seem to deepen and widen every time you have an argument, or if you have specific problems that cause snags in your relationship that need to be addressed. Problems are a part of marriage. Every marriage has problems but they speak God’s design in marriage in order to help transform us. It is impossible to grow or mature without being challenged, and marriage is the path whereby two people become who they are meant to be in union with each other and in communion with God. Problems are the tools God uses to motivate us towards growth.”

There’s no need to fear pain but it is important to seek godly advice to promote healing.

Published on StartMarriageRight.com on July 19, 2012

Inspirational Bible Verses

Inspirational Bible Verses


The most discouraging part of life is being my own worst enemy.
I can been angry at an outside offender and avoid the people I like the least. But I can't get away from me! Every night I go to bed declaring, "I will do better tomorrow!" Every morning I awake still mired in the same muck that harassed me yesterday.

In my recovery from an eating disorder, every night I swore that the next day I would eat right, moderate my exercise, and be honest with my therapist. Then, like an alcoholic lured by the neighborhood bar or the liquor cabinet still in his den - I rose each new day and fell instantly into old, comfortable habits.

These verses may not seem encouraging on the face, but they teach me that God is for me, even when I am not.
"For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength.' But you were unwilling...Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him." Isaiah 30:15,18

My personal battle was with anorexia and compulsive exercise. The ability to force my body to perform, to burn every last calorie, to earn every morsel of food, seemed of utmost importance. When counselors and loved ones began to warn me of the consequences of my actions and to restrict my activity, I needed some promise that I wasn't losing the single most valuable thing in my life.

"Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. This saying is trustworthy and worthy of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." I Timothy 4:7b-10

In these verses God promised me that the most important way to invest my time and the activity that would benefit me the most was to discipline my mind to study His word. That gave me another focus, a different kind of exercise which promised me great gain.

The idea of suffering is never appealing. But the fact is, suffering comes to all people. It is of great comfort to know that there is a purpose behind the pain.

"And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you." I Peter 5:10

The greatest pain I ever experienced came in the form of betrayal by a very important person in my life. For days my body and soul felt like black holes. I was caving in on myself, soon to evaporate completely. I was furious that life went on. How dare it in some situations! Through I Peter 5:10, God reminded me that He has a sovereign purpose. I emerged on the other side of betrayal stronger, more confident and the relationship was restored.

Perhaps the most comforting verse in the Bible is II Timothy 3:16-17, "All Scripture is God breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking and training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work." God assures me that His word is applicable and sufficient for all situations - even the most painful ones.


Posted on Yahoo Voices May 2011

The Cause and Effect Relationship Between Depression and Eating Disorders

The Cause and Effect Relationship Between Depression and Eating Disorders

Depression is both cause and effect. It is this dichotomy that makes it so personal, hard to diagnose and deadly. Depression creates a vicious circle, spiraling its victim lower and lower. I should know.

My dance with this elusive enemy began at age fourteen. Until that fateful year, I was happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, talkative, intelligent and healthy, the product of a "perfect" family. To the casual observer, I had no reason to experience depression.

Contrary to popular opinion, a "perfect" environment often breeds depression. I felt an unspoken pressure to deserve my perfect world. I wanted please my generous parents - make good grades, excel in sports and help at home. As the oldest of four girls, I longed to be a good role model, an exceptional, mature little woman. Among my peers, I wanted to be pretty, as a perfect girl should be; I wanted boys to like me.

I never believed I was good enough. I was always at least second best, which in a competitive society is the first loser. Depression was the effect of my perceived failure and became the cause of an eating disorder.

"Failure. You are so average and replaceable. When you're gone, you'll never be missed. People like you are a dime-a-dozen. Why don't you at least do something extreme, something no one else will do. You can eat the least, run the farthest, be the thinnest. At least you'll be exceptional at something!"

Mantras like this marched through my head every night. Tallies of calories consumed and rattled through my thoughts every waking hour. My mind became less and less my own.

The feeling was bittersweet. There was a high from achieving what I had set out to do: be the best at something. But I had a sense of ever deepening depression; my family and friends rallied around me not with praise but with concern and frustration. As my mind sank in starvation, I grew more and more hopeless.

For myself and I believe many others, depression must be treated as what it is: both a cause and an effect. At wits' end, my parents enrolled me in an inpatient program for eating disorders. I received counseling for my anorexic behaviors and for my depression, as well as medication for a chemical imbalance.

Slowly, and often, against my will, I began to gain weight. Treating that symptom, allowed my mind to grasp the truths that the counselors were teaching me. Joy grew in proportion to my physical health.

However, simply treating the outcome of my depression (anorexia) wasn't enough. Twice, I left the program too early and slipped quickly back into old thoughts and habits. When I finally continued receiving counseling past the minimum of physical health, I addressed the issues of perfectionism, compulsion and fear that had fueled my depression and subsequent anorexia.

Today, I am almost surprised every morning when I wake up with enthusiasm and expectation for the day. I look in the mirror with a humble satisfaction in my body.

There are many disciplines which help me maintain my recovery. I read the Bible daily and spend a lot of time journaling and in prayer. I walk my dog and breathe deeply in both the sunshine and the rain. I spend time with people and focus on a few close friends instead of trying to please everyone. I have found that I actually enjoy being alone. I am happy with myself, and that it's OK.

Posted on Yahoo Voices, May 25, 2012

Do You Hold Your Spouse Captive?

Do You Hold Your Spouse Captive?


By Abby Kelly on August 2, 2012

Saturday morning, I sat down to do my Bible reading and quiet time. I cracked my journal’s spine and jotted down a few lines of prayer,

Lord, please open your word to me this morning. Speak personally and give me insight into my life and your will for me. Give me wisdom.”

Cruising through the Old Testament, 2 Chronicles to be exact, isn’t exactly where one expects to find the most poignant application to marriage. We don’t practice arranged marriage anymore or have laws about what cultures we may or may not marry into.

It’s not like Philippians 2, where God commands us to consider others as better than ourselves. And unlike Titus 2, it doesn’t plainly outline what our biblical roles in marriage are. However, God’s word is sharper than any two-edged sword. It cuts between bone and marrow. It is living and active, and if our hearts are humble to receive it, God will teach us every time we open it, from every page and sentence.

My assignment was 2 Chronicles 28. Judah had a new king. Ahaz ruled in blatant rebellion to God’s commands. He even offered his sons as sacrifices to foreign idols. So, God sent armies to conquer Judah. One of those was the army of Israel (Israel and Judah had split after the days of King Solomon).

“The men of Israel took captive 200,000 of their relatives, women, sons and daughters. The also took much spoil from them and brought the spoil to Samaria.” (v.8)

I can imagine the conversations among the soldiers would go something like this: “Can you believe what they were doing in Judah? I mean, sacrificing their children? Nothing like that would ever happen in Israel. It’s hard to believe we’re related to them, we’ve maintained a much more godly society.”

I’ve had thoughts like that in my marriage when my husband has offended me. Sometimes I can even specifically point out where his behavior has been less than that of a godly husband. Then, I get carried away with my thoughts, imagining that I have been a more godly wife to him, that I have spent more time in prayer and Bible reading and that I am the more pious spouse. Even my prayers can turn into finger pointing like, “God help him to see the error of his ways and treat me more lovingly.”

God didn’t put up with that behavior from Israel and He won’t take it from me either. As soon as the soldiers marched home to Samaria a prophet named Obed met them at the gate. He chastised the Israelites for their fierce treatment of their brothers and their intention to keep them as slaves. And then he explained the mercy that God wanted them to show to their captives.

Behold, because the Lord was angry with Judah, he gave them into your hand, but you have killed them in a rage that has reached up to heaven. And now you intend to subjugate the people of Judah…as your slaves. (v. 9b-10) Now hear me and send back the captives from your relatives whom you have taken, for the fierce wrath of the Lord is upon you.”

When I lord an offense over my husband and assume a self-righteous attitude, I am in a sense taking him captive. I feel like I can hold him in my debt as the more righteous spouse.

In modern times, what would the prophet Obed say to me? Perhaps he would use the words of Paul, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Or Jesus’ words,

But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:15

There will be times when I am in the right and my husband has sinned against me. There will be just as many times when the opposite is true. What is important to God is that I remember forgiveness, fueled by humility and gratitude to a forgiving Savior.

(Published August 2, 2012 at Start Marriage Right.com)