Strength To Break the Mold

Strength to Break the Mold

Strength is definable. It is measured by goals met, challenges faced, races won. And we know who the winners are. It is always the last man standing, the one with the most gold stars. The strongest person is always the man on top.

But the steps to success have been trod for so long. The path to recognition is well marked and heavily traveled. What if it takes more strength, what if it is a greater test of fortitude to forge a new path? Perhaps it takes the greatest strength to break the mold.

STRONG ENOUGH TO BREAK THE MOLD: MOTHERHOOD

When my little sister and her husband moved to Dallas, Texas, she had no difficulty getting a job. Young, energetic and educated she quickly climbed to a supervisor role in the office. A window swallowed nearly one entire wall, spilling morning sunshine and vibrant sunsets across the floor. Peering down, she could see the sprawling city, a spectacular view.

Kelsey has always been good with money. Drawing two full-time salaries, they bought a new car, padded their savings account and enjoyed frequent dinners out with friends. But when she got pregnant with their first child, she hesitated.

How would they feed an extra mouth and pay for diapers if she quit her job? How could she just walk away from a good job and a dependable paycheck? But how could she place her precious daughter in the arms of a stranger? How could this tiny life flourish under the agreement of a contract instead within the non-negotiable love of her mother? So in a giant leap of faith, she quit her job.

Now, Kelsey’s eyes sparkle with pride when she tells me that she has seen Kylie every single day of her first year of life. For Kelsey, it would not have taken exceptional strength to step back into her high-heels and go back to work. With two incomes, she and her husband could confidently provide Kylie with everything she could ever desire.

Kelsey could have continued climbing the prescribed ladder to success. With each step, she would appear more powerful, a strong career woman to be admired. Likely, many people will question her decision to employ her college degree as a stay-at-home mom. They might even call her weak. But I think it took greater strength to break the mold.

STRONG ENOUGH TO BREAK THE MOLD: MARRIAGE

Several years ago, my marriage was on the rocks. Once, I had packed my bags, reserved a U-haul and given notice at work. I was leaving my husband, going home. Many things led us to this crisis. Many people advised me to leave. Even a Christian counselor told me, “Biblically, you have permission to leave. You don’t need to put up with this hurt anymore.”

My mother flew in to help me load my things and begin the tedious 24 hour drive from Washington to Kansas. But when the Holy Spirit checked my spirit, I hesitated. How could I leave my husband when I still believed there was hope? But how could I stay when everyone who loved me was saying I should go? Would I not appear weak? Would not a strong woman stand up for herself, announce that she had had enough and leave? But in a giant leap of faith, I met my mom at the airport and told that I had changed my mind. I was staying with my husband.

It hasn’t been easy. That very evening, it remained hard and unfair. I cried myself to sleep. But last December, three years later, my husband and I proudly celebrated a decade of marriage.

It took greater strength to shut my ears to the well intentioned advice of friends and family and to listen to the voice of my Heavenly Father. I dug deep into hope in order to remain in my difficult marriage. I discovered my own strength to break the mold.

STRONG ENOUGH TO BREAK THE MOLD: BODY

Fitness is a popular pursuit. These days it seems like everyone is training for a half marathon, hiring a personal trainer, focusing on their diet and cinching up their belt. A brief scan of any poplar magazine’s headlines proves that physical strength and beauty are a cultural priority.

I rose to the challenge and proved that I can be an exceptional athlete. Shorter and shorter times at local races and longer and longer training runs boosted my ego. I basked in the admiration of my physical discipline.

But suddenly, I found myself sliding into old eating habits, losing weight rapidly and out of control of my health. Dangerously close to being hospitalized for low weight, I hesitated.

How could I stop exercising madly and eat to gain weight in a world that idolizes thinness? How could I stop running when everyone applauded my self-discipline and praised my race times? How could I abandon anorexia, when many people ignorantly commented that they wished they could be anorexic for a day? To stop running, to eat more, wouldn’t I appear to be growing weaker and less driven?

But in a giant leap of faith, I surrendered myself to the advice of a dietician and rational thought of a Christian counselor. Today, I am healthy, strong and running freely.

It required of me much greater strength to stop long distance running, swallow fist-fulls of almonds and learn to rest, than it ever did to run a marathon. Learning to care for and love my body strained every fiber of my mind.

I closed fashion and health magazines. I left my running club. I backed out of several races which were already registered and paid for. But I found a greater strength to break the mold.

Tenacity, endurance, resolve, strength are forged in the flames of adversity. Going against cultural norms, the opinions of others and personal compulsions not only requires, but also develops great strength.

“…God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong…so that no man may boast before God…LET HIM WHO BOASTS, BOAST IN THE LORD.” 
-1 Corinthians 1:27-31

First published at Haven Journal, Jan, 30, 2013

Jesus Never Gave Up On Me

Jesus Never Gave Up On Me

The prince was the end of Cinderella’s loneliness and despair. Prince Charming introduced Snow White to happily ever after.  I can’t think of a single fairy tale where the heroine ends up more alone than she was before.

But then, fairy tales don’t tell of pornography and eating disorders.

Life Tales

I slipped the ring on his finger and declared I would be with this one man more completely than I’d ever been with anyone before. It hardly fit the story line when my husband, whom I had been with under covenant for all of two months, deployed to Iraq for a year.

We never had a chance to learn to be together, to practice growing with and into oneness. Instead, we were catapulted into a dangerous scenario that led us each deeper into personal addictions.

Loneliness

For me, living alone exacerbated the lingering effects of an eight-year eating disorder. Selfishness crept in while he was away. Life seemed no different than two months before. My days were spent doing what I wanted. I worked as much as I wanted and spent as little time at home as I wanted. With no accountability, my meals dwindled and my runs got longer. Anorexia was a familiar friend and my method of coping with pain.

As a young, virile soldier, my husband was in a world that revived and encouraged an addiction he had sheltered for many years. Pornography ran rampant among the ranks of infantry soldiers separated from their wives for an unprecedented time.

In some ways, the deployment postponed a rude awakening to our troubles. Distance disguised our selfishness. While he was deployed, we wrote daily, each to our image of a perfect spouse. It was easy to say all the right things. When he came home, our mirage of happily ever after evaporated.

Regardless of individual issues, anorexia keeps all relationships at arm’s length. My heart screamed for my husband to love me, call me beautiful and scare away all my self-loathing. At the same time, my sharp hip bones, malnourished mood swings and amenorrhea told him I was unapproachable.

My husband chose to make his life with a two-dimensional “perfect” woman who gave him the sensation of intimacy without commitment or demand. He fell under her spell. She was there to fulfill his every desire and only his desires. She was with him when he wanted her, but needed nothing in return. Unconsciously, his body shut down all advances and responses to me sexually.

Addictions

Shame and defensiveness feed on addictions. My fear of food kept us from going on dates and sharing many special experiences. He steadily lost his ability to express emotion and tenderness. He lost countless hours to video games, comfortable with their one-sided gratification. We were mired in addictions, ways of coping that numbed our desire–no, our ability–to be together.

The night that I accidentally discovered the pornography on my husband’s computer, it savagely lacerated my heart. I felt the actual muscle of my heart clench and fall. And then I hated him.

I picked up book after book about sexual addiction and the effects of pornography. Christian and secular psychologists explained that when an individual becomes addicted to pornography, they lose the ability to connect with a living, breathing human being. They become unable to relate in every way, from conversation, to intercourse to recreation.

And so we sank.

Recovery

“With,” however, is embedded in human souls. It’s part of the mark of God on our beings. In God’s image, we crave companionship, relationship, and devotion. It’s no surprise that as God reached out to redeem His creation, He came as Immanuel, God with us. He didn’t throw out a lifeline, or send an ambassador. He came to be with us. And then, throughout Scripture, God calls Himself our Father, our husband, our friend.

God began with me, slowly wedging Himself between me and the eating disorder. The more God showed me the true joy of His presence, unobscured by anorexia, the more restless I grew in my marriage. Now that I had tasted relationship, I longed for it with my husband; but he was still unavailable. He was fully engaged in a non-relationship.

We can live without many things, but we cannot live without resonance between our lives and others.’ Like the Velveteen Rabbit, we do not feel alive as long as we remain untouched, un-with.

Kind people, godly people, told me, “You have to take care of yourself.”

“Can you really be happy this way?”

“Do you think he’ll ever change? And if not, do you want to live this way?”

My mind started to churn: Of course not. I shouldn’t have to live this way.

I sought God’s permission to walk away, but He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. In the Old Testament, the first and greatest commandment was, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.’ And the second is like it, “Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Mark 12:30-31)

But at the Last Supper, Jesus gave a new commandment: “So, now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:34, 35)

Jesus is redeeming my marriage today, and God is daily teaching me to love as He first loved me. I scorned God’s love for almost 10 years while worshiping an idol of thinness and perfection, yet He never left me. As God’s follower, it is no longer about what I deserve or what is fair. It is how much of God’s love I can absorb and reflect. It is in loving beyond human limits that I prove I belong to Jesus.

Jesus won my heart by refusing to give up on me. He maintained His Immanuel presence even when I rejected Him.

It is in communion, “with-ness” with Jesus, that I take a deep breath and now remain with and in my marriage.

First published at: SheLovesMagazine.com, 12/29/12

Whatever It Takes

Whatever It Takes

How badly do you want to be thin? What would you trade? Would being thin make you ultimately happy – even if you don’t really believe that  - do you think that? Would life be easier, happier, more fun, (add an adjective) if you were thin?

A recent study revealed that many women would give up a year of of their lives to be thin.
Another study discovered that most women would give up sex to be thin.

In April, the New York Times, reported on a new, disgusting trend. Women, mostly brides, in a last ditch effort to be thinner (and therefore in their perception: more beautiful on their wedding day, make that special day happier, etc.) have resorted to feeding tubes.

At first, I was shocked. I remember being inpatient for my eating disorder. One of the sweetest little girls I have ever met, greeted me at the facility’s entrance. Alicia became a quick confidant and encourager for  me. But it was hard to look at her without crying. Alicia was 12, but she had stopped growing when she was about 5. Because of her refusal to eat and seeming determination to starve herself, Alicia wore a feeding tube. This disfiguring device looked just like it sounds. A long tube ran up her nose into her stomach. It was taped in various places down her little body until it attached to a pole, nearly twice her height, where hung a plastic bag of liquid nutrients. Everywhere little Alicia went – to counseling sessions, to watch TV, on pass into the the little town nearby, to bed, to worship – everywhere, her tube went along.

Now, imagine a grown woman, preparing for her wedding day, strapped up with a feeding tube. A little more visually appealing, these brides carry around a purse with their “food” bag instead of Alicia’s pole. Nonetheless, they have a rubber tube snaking up the side of their face, through their nose and into their stomach – to supply them with starvation’s subsistence – a mere 800 calories.How far have we fallen?

Here are some other facts for your consideration:

2/3 of dieters regain the weight they lost within about 4 years of any diet

About 44% of women admit to being on a diet at any given moment

And guess what! Despite all our paranoia, drastic measures, social mores, fitness obsessions, fad diets and self help books, political intervention and endorsement – despite all these things, recently an advocacy group reported that by 2030, more than half of the population in the majority of states will be considered obese. So, apparently, our strategy isn’t working.

Happily, there’s a small, underground minority that is working hard to reverse the trend. Have you heard of Intuitive Eating? Sounds interesting and logical, doesn’t it?

How about a new book, by Greg Archer, whose provocative title (albeit accurate) I’ll encourage you to check into yourself.

Another wonderful person whom I consider a champion of this movement toward reprioritizing our weight, our diet, our life goals, is Emily Wierenga.  It was a recent article on her blog, Chasing Silhouettes, that launched me onto my soapbox again.

Enjoy her words of wisdom:

No longer [should food be] an object to be feared. It is a necessity to be enjoyed and embraced.  It is another form of communication, another way of sharing in this thing called life, of relating with other humans through a means devoid of words. It is the breaking of bread, which Christ calls us to.

So, as you wisely set health goals, lace up your sneakers, breathe deep during a jog or slice your paring knife through the pale green skin on a tart, fresh apple, wonder : Why am I doing this?

And then do whatever it takes to honestly answer that question with:

So that I might, “present [my] bod[y] as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is [my] spiritual worship. [I will] not be conformed to this world,but be transformed by the renewal of [my]mind, that by testing [I] may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2

First published at: Moms Who TRI Blog, Sept. 18, 2012

Hard-Core Honor

Hard-Core Honor

Marriage is made of promises, from the inaugural seconds of the union between a man and woman.

I, Sinner 1, promise to be true to you, Sinner 2, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

I took some liberties with the vows, but they are nonetheless true of anyone who has ever taken the marriage vow.

Typically, the honeymoon follows where it’s relatively easy to keep those promises. Just two weeks ago, I returned from my little sister’s wedding. She and her husband have been dating for more than seven years. They have kept and broken promises to each other. They have forgiven and overcome bitterness. But as she and I sat on the floor in her living room, just days before she was to take those vows, this sinner felt an urgent need to share with her what I am finding to be the secret to promise keeping.

The secret is one five-letter word hidden in the middle of the marriage vows. Honor. According to Dictionary.com, honor means: honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions. Despite the culture’s clamor for equality, showing honor requires nothing of the sort. My vow to honor my husband is binding on me even if he breaks his vow.

This is a hard pill to swallow and one that many Christians contend. But I offer you two Biblical precedents.

First Samuel 25, tells the story of Abigail. Abigail was married to Nabal, a man the Scripture describes as, “crude, mean, wicked and ill-tempered.” Ultimately, Nabal’s stingy and unjust behavior cost him his life. However, Abigail behaved honorably toward both her husband and those he had offended. We don’t know anything about the earlier years of their marriage, but it’s doubtful that Nabal had ever treated her with honor.

Hosea is the sad story of one man’s marriage to an unfaithful woman. Hosea obeyed the Lord and married a woman who was never faithful to him. In fact, on more than one occasion, God sent Hosea to redeem Gomer from the trouble her promiscuity had gotten her into.

And the Lord said to me, ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love cakes of raisins” (Hosea 3:1).

These stories tell of the obedient lives of two people who loved God and kept their vows to honor their mates, even when they were not treated with honor. But the verse in Hosea introduces the greatest story of love in the face of dishonor.

God loves us even when we are disobedient. “…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Whether you are preparing to take your marriage vows, or took them years ago, maintain your obedience to Christ.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

We understand that we will face dishonor and unfairness in life, but we generally believe that our spouse should be exception; Our husband or wife should be one person who always honors us, brings us joy, and makes us happy. But when two sinners wed, that can never be the case. A Bible study teacher once stopped me in my tracks with her comment,

God gave you a spouse to make you holy, not to make you happy.”

Published at Start Marriage Right, July 10, 2012

Give It To God

Give It To God

How many times has some well-meaning Christian friend or advisor told you that?

You can’t control it, so just let it go. Trust God. He’ll handle it.

Does that rankle your nerves as it does mine? I hate being told that, and I hate hearing that seeming cliche come out of my mouth to another believer.

It’s a common response to a painful situation that we don’t know what to do with. When someone we know is forging through the aftermath of a senseless loss, trying to survive a betrayal or struggling to overcome a recurring sin, we often don’t know what to suggest. That’s because we are as fallible as they are. We are as fragile as they are. Even if we have crossed that particular bridge before, replaying our story and offering our solution often comes out with an air of superiority or false empathy.

Recently, I sat across the table from a gentle mentor who said no such thing. In fact, I am amazed that she sat with me for nearly two hours, listened intently  to my pain, watched my public display of agony and never once said, “Oh, I’ve been there too. I know exactly how you feel.” It was after those soothing hours of verbally releasing my hurt that I told my journal, “I think I finally know what it feels like to ‘give it to God.’”

 It’s like flipping the latch on my own cage. I had been chained to stare at my pain. Like a canary in a tiny cage, able only to watch the cat threaten and mock him. All along, the vulnerable little bird had the power to flip the latch and not only avoid the anguish of mediating upon his impending doom, but to fly away to safety. When he discovered that latch and flipped the lever, the pain didn’t go away. In fact, the pain could now leap with even greater possibility at his feet. But also, he now had the indisputable power to fly higher and farther away than the pain could ever reach.

Published on Predatory Lies, July 2012

Interview With Judy Rossi, Author of Enhancing Your Marriage

Interview With Judy Rossi, Author of Enhancing Your Marriage

It’s a rare treat to take a Bible study under the tutelage of the author. I was afforded such a treat this spring in a women’s study called, Enhancing Your Marriage, by Judy Rossi. I experienced and observed the resurrection of marriages. When the study was over, Judy agreed to an interview so that I can share just a glimpse of the wealth I learned.

Abby Kelly: If you could choose one truth to impart to your own daughter, on the night before her wedding—what would it be?

Judy Rossi: “It would be this: Don’t let the stuff of marriage change how you accept, respect and appreciate your man as a man now. Continue to be thankful for his God-given, hormone-influenced/driven differences and traits, to see him as your balance not as your opposite.”

What are some early “symptoms” that a couple is in trouble?

I think one of the earliest and most telling symptoms is dishonesty—hiding who we really are and what we really need from our spouses. Not being honest with our mate about ourselves, an issue, an offense, or a concern sets us up for disillusionment about our mates because they didn’t meet our preconceived expectations. Men are not mind readers. Therefore, unaddressed and unresolved problem areas build. They close our spirits and harden our hearts toward our spouse.

Truth without grace is cruel. Grace without truth is license. Jesus always had both in operation. A great reminder: the tougher the message, the gentler the delivery.”

Is there a “vaccination” against some of the most common marital troubles?

Naturally I believe that we must first have a relationship with Jesus Christ. That said, God can work wonders in a marriage even if our spouse hasn’t yet come to Christ. Second, as stated earlier, understanding that God designed the institution of marriage to reflect our relationship with the heavenly Bridegroom (Ephesians 5:22-33), our marriages will become God’s workshop—the place where He will make us more like Jesus. The good, the bad and the downright ugly will typically show themselves within the marriage relationship. And God will meet us there. He will use the best and the worst circumstances of our marriages to mature us spiritually (Romans 8:28-29). He will not waste anything that could turn us from self-centered to Christ-centered.”

What does it mean to leave one’s family?

That Adam and Eve had no human mother and father to leave is profound. Their primary relationship was to be with God first, who commanded them to make each other their primary earthly relationship. It’s no different today.

But “leaving” is only one third of God’s command for the married couple. If one won’t leave, then there is no cleaving. And if there’s no cleaving, then there is no becoming one. The commitment to the relationship is incomplete unless each spouse chooses to leave former relationships, clings to the other and becomes one. That’s where the protection lies.”

What if we had sex before we got married? Are we doomed to suffer for it in our marriage?

If I may speak personally here, guilt from premarital sexual sin affected me for years. It was hidden in the depths of my soul, and I knew I wouldn’t be free to truly enjoy my husband sexually until I permitted God’s forgiveness to pour all over me, cleanse me, wash my past away and make me “holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation” (Colossians 1:22, NIV). Slowly afterward I began to see the sexual “us” in a totally different light—God’s light—beautifully intentional, holy and free to enjoy.”

Are there times when counseling is necessary? Can’t we just fix it on our own?

Sometimes we just get “stuck”—stuck in our thought life, stuck in our attitudes, stuck in our emotions, and stuck in our behaviors. We might even be contemplating the “D”-word, because we truly don’t know how to tackle the problems in our marriage. And some may have a spouse unwilling to tackle the problems in their marriage. That’s when we can use a biblically-grounded mentor or a biblical counselor who can show us how to respond to our circumstances and/or to our spouse in a way that honors God and effectively addresses the issues.”

Is it ever hopeless? Is there ever an offense worthy of leaving and walking away from the marriage?

Today’s culture would declare that any prolonged unhappiness constitutes a walkable offense. But God wouldn’t agree. And even though Jesus states adultery as the only walkable offense, He doesn’t even make that a mandate. He knows how God can work in the hearts and minds of each couple, to bring them to forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration—the very message of the Cross.

Logically and biblically speaking, we don’t serve a God of hopelessness; therefore, nothing is hopeless. However, that doesn’t mean that sometimes we may not feel as if things are hopeless. This is a time when we need to reground our perspective—not about marriage, but about God. Because He is sovereign, I believe that nothing happens to me that doesn’t pass before Him first.”

How can we build intimacy if one spouse is deployed or for some other reason we are geographically separated?

Honestly, you’re either building intimacy or tearing it down every day. I would say that the  most effective way to hold a husband fast to us during separation is to respect him as a man, as a husband, as a lover, leader, protector and provider. When he knows that he’s appreciated for all that he does, when he doesn’t feel like “just a paycheck”, his heart is sold out to the one who appreciates him. And God wants that one to be his wife!”

Published at Start Marriage Right in June 2012

Yours, Mine and Ours

Yours, Mine and Ours

There’s a great old movie, Your’s, Mine and Our’s. It’s been redone since the original 1968 version, but I am partial to Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda.

It’s the story of a widower with 10 children and a widow, the mother of eight. They unexpectedly fall in love and tackle the overwhelming challenge of uniting their two families. It’s not a simple task. From finding a big enough house and divvying up bedrooms, to managing who goes to work and who stays home, to separating animal-like squabbles, the couple have their work cut out for them. However, like any good movie, it has a happy ending.

In our 10 short years of marriage, my husband I have faced similar odds trying to consolidate our individual friends and find couples that we both enjoy spending time with. Quite simply, it’s a “your’s, mine and our’s” situation.

Most of the time, we just do our own thing. Occasionally, there is an Army event that I am expected to attend. There I meet and socialize with his fellow commander’s wives. Afterward, I explain to him that I didn’t really enjoy it and I nestle back into “my” friendships and I let him have his.

There are several problems with this arrangement. Quite often, I confess, I chose my girlfriends over my husband. There’s a law against that kind of behavior when you’re dating. But, after you’re married, you expect that your spouse will be there anyway. Why make the sacrifice?

That brings up another issue. When we stubbornly go our own ways, neither of us learns to be Christ-like and consider others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3-4). It is the epitome of selfishness, which is directly contrary to a godly life.

Last weekend, we were both invited to attend two different potluck celebrations. One was hosted by his friends, the other by my very best friend. I argued the point that my friend had asked first, ignoring the fact that we had spent the previous weekend with her and that I saw her many times throughout the week. We confirmed for both events.

That produced a problem because they started at the same time and were only minutes apart. We headed off in our separate directions–him to fulfill one commitment and me to fulfill the other. We kept our commitments to our friends and placed our loyalty to each other in second place. Later I joined him at his friend’s home but left early and alone.

Was the decision sinful? Probably not. I am grateful that God has given us both wonderful friends and time to spend with them. But, in Genesis, God calls us to leave our nuclear families and to cleave to our spouse. That means to prefer them, to “cling or adhere” to them. If that is true of our relationships with our families, is it not even more true of our friendships?

Published at Start Marriage Right on August 9, 2012