Born to Deliver, A Book Review

Born to Deliver, A Book Review

Maybe the most compelling story isn’t the one we identify with, but the one that breaks our hearts. It’s the story we pray never comes true.

The book, Born to Deliver, is the personal story of Kathy Brace and the slow, painful, permanent way that Jesus drew her to Himself. At the tender age of fifteen, Brace found herself pregnant and abandoned by her boyfriend. Her alcoholic father had deserted her, her mother and her brother Eric years before. Caught up in her own pain and the numbing mechanics of providing for a family as a single woman, Kathy’s mother was emotionally unavailable. Through a series of bad romantic relationships and illegitimate pregnancies, Kathy’s brother was her only reliable friend.

Loneliness echoes through the pages of this story. Though she has never experienced unconditional love, the structure of a family or the comfort of a committed husband, a longing resides deep in Kathy’s heart. More than anything she desires a happy life. But she has no idea where to find it, and no real understanding of what it looks like.

If only I knew what it actually looked like so that I would know when I found it.” (pg. 30)

From a stark home for unwed mothers or wives with unwanted pregnancies, to an empty, cold green delivery room, the reader’s heart sinks a little heavier with Kathy’s own heart in each chapter. I could almost feel the bruises and scrapes when she threw herself from a moving car, not caring what could happen. I shook with her when she held a gun to her head, and I shivered with her against the cold metal table in a back alley abortion clinic.

Every chapter of, Born to Deliver, has a new climax, a painful experience that seems a little sharper than before. However, a strand of hope winds its way through Kathy’s story. With a cliffhanger at the end of every chapter, there remains a conviction that light is just around the corner. With another page, another day, another year in her life, hope is coming. Jesus will rescue His daughter, His bride.

First published at Start Marriage Right, Feb. 7, 2013

Hard-Core Honor

Hard-Core Honor

Marriage is made of promises, from the inaugural seconds of the union between a man and woman.

I, Sinner 1, promise to be true to you, Sinner 2, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

I took some liberties with the vows, but they are nonetheless true of anyone who has ever taken the marriage vow.

Typically, the honeymoon follows where it’s relatively easy to keep those promises. Just two weeks ago, I returned from my little sister’s wedding. She and her husband have been dating for more than seven years. They have kept and broken promises to each other. They have forgiven and overcome bitterness. But as she and I sat on the floor in her living room, just days before she was to take those vows, this sinner felt an urgent need to share with her what I am finding to be the secret to promise keeping.

The secret is one five-letter word hidden in the middle of the marriage vows. Honor. According to Dictionary.com, honor means: honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions. Despite the culture’s clamor for equality, showing honor requires nothing of the sort. My vow to honor my husband is binding on me even if he breaks his vow.

This is a hard pill to swallow and one that many Christians contend. But I offer you two Biblical precedents.

First Samuel 25, tells the story of Abigail. Abigail was married to Nabal, a man the Scripture describes as, “crude, mean, wicked and ill-tempered.” Ultimately, Nabal’s stingy and unjust behavior cost him his life. However, Abigail behaved honorably toward both her husband and those he had offended. We don’t know anything about the earlier years of their marriage, but it’s doubtful that Nabal had ever treated her with honor.

Hosea is the sad story of one man’s marriage to an unfaithful woman. Hosea obeyed the Lord and married a woman who was never faithful to him. In fact, on more than one occasion, God sent Hosea to redeem Gomer from the trouble her promiscuity had gotten her into.

And the Lord said to me, ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love cakes of raisins” (Hosea 3:1).

These stories tell of the obedient lives of two people who loved God and kept their vows to honor their mates, even when they were not treated with honor. But the verse in Hosea introduces the greatest story of love in the face of dishonor.

God loves us even when we are disobedient. “…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Whether you are preparing to take your marriage vows, or took them years ago, maintain your obedience to Christ.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

We understand that we will face dishonor and unfairness in life, but we generally believe that our spouse should be exception; Our husband or wife should be one person who always honors us, brings us joy, and makes us happy. But when two sinners wed, that can never be the case. A Bible study teacher once stopped me in my tracks with her comment,

God gave you a spouse to make you holy, not to make you happy.”

Published at Start Marriage Right, July 10, 2012

Interview With Judy Rossi, Author of Enhancing Your Marriage

Interview With Judy Rossi, Author of Enhancing Your Marriage

It’s a rare treat to take a Bible study under the tutelage of the author. I was afforded such a treat this spring in a women’s study called, Enhancing Your Marriage, by Judy Rossi. I experienced and observed the resurrection of marriages. When the study was over, Judy agreed to an interview so that I can share just a glimpse of the wealth I learned.

Abby Kelly: If you could choose one truth to impart to your own daughter, on the night before her wedding—what would it be?

Judy Rossi: “It would be this: Don’t let the stuff of marriage change how you accept, respect and appreciate your man as a man now. Continue to be thankful for his God-given, hormone-influenced/driven differences and traits, to see him as your balance not as your opposite.”

What are some early “symptoms” that a couple is in trouble?

I think one of the earliest and most telling symptoms is dishonesty—hiding who we really are and what we really need from our spouses. Not being honest with our mate about ourselves, an issue, an offense, or a concern sets us up for disillusionment about our mates because they didn’t meet our preconceived expectations. Men are not mind readers. Therefore, unaddressed and unresolved problem areas build. They close our spirits and harden our hearts toward our spouse.

Truth without grace is cruel. Grace without truth is license. Jesus always had both in operation. A great reminder: the tougher the message, the gentler the delivery.”

Is there a “vaccination” against some of the most common marital troubles?

Naturally I believe that we must first have a relationship with Jesus Christ. That said, God can work wonders in a marriage even if our spouse hasn’t yet come to Christ. Second, as stated earlier, understanding that God designed the institution of marriage to reflect our relationship with the heavenly Bridegroom (Ephesians 5:22-33), our marriages will become God’s workshop—the place where He will make us more like Jesus. The good, the bad and the downright ugly will typically show themselves within the marriage relationship. And God will meet us there. He will use the best and the worst circumstances of our marriages to mature us spiritually (Romans 8:28-29). He will not waste anything that could turn us from self-centered to Christ-centered.”

What does it mean to leave one’s family?

That Adam and Eve had no human mother and father to leave is profound. Their primary relationship was to be with God first, who commanded them to make each other their primary earthly relationship. It’s no different today.

But “leaving” is only one third of God’s command for the married couple. If one won’t leave, then there is no cleaving. And if there’s no cleaving, then there is no becoming one. The commitment to the relationship is incomplete unless each spouse chooses to leave former relationships, clings to the other and becomes one. That’s where the protection lies.”

What if we had sex before we got married? Are we doomed to suffer for it in our marriage?

If I may speak personally here, guilt from premarital sexual sin affected me for years. It was hidden in the depths of my soul, and I knew I wouldn’t be free to truly enjoy my husband sexually until I permitted God’s forgiveness to pour all over me, cleanse me, wash my past away and make me “holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation” (Colossians 1:22, NIV). Slowly afterward I began to see the sexual “us” in a totally different light—God’s light—beautifully intentional, holy and free to enjoy.”

Are there times when counseling is necessary? Can’t we just fix it on our own?

Sometimes we just get “stuck”—stuck in our thought life, stuck in our attitudes, stuck in our emotions, and stuck in our behaviors. We might even be contemplating the “D”-word, because we truly don’t know how to tackle the problems in our marriage. And some may have a spouse unwilling to tackle the problems in their marriage. That’s when we can use a biblically-grounded mentor or a biblical counselor who can show us how to respond to our circumstances and/or to our spouse in a way that honors God and effectively addresses the issues.”

Is it ever hopeless? Is there ever an offense worthy of leaving and walking away from the marriage?

Today’s culture would declare that any prolonged unhappiness constitutes a walkable offense. But God wouldn’t agree. And even though Jesus states adultery as the only walkable offense, He doesn’t even make that a mandate. He knows how God can work in the hearts and minds of each couple, to bring them to forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration—the very message of the Cross.

Logically and biblically speaking, we don’t serve a God of hopelessness; therefore, nothing is hopeless. However, that doesn’t mean that sometimes we may not feel as if things are hopeless. This is a time when we need to reground our perspective—not about marriage, but about God. Because He is sovereign, I believe that nothing happens to me that doesn’t pass before Him first.”

How can we build intimacy if one spouse is deployed or for some other reason we are geographically separated?

Honestly, you’re either building intimacy or tearing it down every day. I would say that the  most effective way to hold a husband fast to us during separation is to respect him as a man, as a husband, as a lover, leader, protector and provider. When he knows that he’s appreciated for all that he does, when he doesn’t feel like “just a paycheck”, his heart is sold out to the one who appreciates him. And God wants that one to be his wife!”

Published at Start Marriage Right in June 2012

Yours, Mine and Ours

Yours, Mine and Ours

There’s a great old movie, Your’s, Mine and Our’s. It’s been redone since the original 1968 version, but I am partial to Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda.

It’s the story of a widower with 10 children and a widow, the mother of eight. They unexpectedly fall in love and tackle the overwhelming challenge of uniting their two families. It’s not a simple task. From finding a big enough house and divvying up bedrooms, to managing who goes to work and who stays home, to separating animal-like squabbles, the couple have their work cut out for them. However, like any good movie, it has a happy ending.

In our 10 short years of marriage, my husband I have faced similar odds trying to consolidate our individual friends and find couples that we both enjoy spending time with. Quite simply, it’s a “your’s, mine and our’s” situation.

Most of the time, we just do our own thing. Occasionally, there is an Army event that I am expected to attend. There I meet and socialize with his fellow commander’s wives. Afterward, I explain to him that I didn’t really enjoy it and I nestle back into “my” friendships and I let him have his.

There are several problems with this arrangement. Quite often, I confess, I chose my girlfriends over my husband. There’s a law against that kind of behavior when you’re dating. But, after you’re married, you expect that your spouse will be there anyway. Why make the sacrifice?

That brings up another issue. When we stubbornly go our own ways, neither of us learns to be Christ-like and consider others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3-4). It is the epitome of selfishness, which is directly contrary to a godly life.

Last weekend, we were both invited to attend two different potluck celebrations. One was hosted by his friends, the other by my very best friend. I argued the point that my friend had asked first, ignoring the fact that we had spent the previous weekend with her and that I saw her many times throughout the week. We confirmed for both events.

That produced a problem because they started at the same time and were only minutes apart. We headed off in our separate directions–him to fulfill one commitment and me to fulfill the other. We kept our commitments to our friends and placed our loyalty to each other in second place. Later I joined him at his friend’s home but left early and alone.

Was the decision sinful? Probably not. I am grateful that God has given us both wonderful friends and time to spend with them. But, in Genesis, God calls us to leave our nuclear families and to cleave to our spouse. That means to prefer them, to “cling or adhere” to them. If that is true of our relationships with our families, is it not even more true of our friendships?

Published at Start Marriage Right on August 9, 2012

When Help Hurts

When Help Hurts

Just pop a thermometer under your spouse’s tongue and read the digital diagnosis: It’s a simple case of poor communication. Just say two, “I’m sorries,” and make sure you say, “I love you” tomorrow. Or, maybe you have a bad case of jealousy. Simply elevate your quality time for a week and you’ll be fine.

Wouldn’t it be great if diagnosing and fixing our relationship troubles were that easy?

A few months ago, my sister was enjoying the evening with her family when she began to have sharp stomach pain. After about 24 hours of hoping it was a bug and downing anti-acids, she consulted a doctor. The doctor suggested a couple things it might be, gave her some medicine and said to wait it out. The pain lingered and progressed for nearly a week. Finally, in desperation, her husband took her to the emergency room. Following an X-ray and a consult with a surgeon, it was determined that her appendix had burst several days before.

Kelsey was in critical condition and emergency surgery probably saved her life. Similarly, ignoring relationship issues, unexplained discomfort or signs of trouble can put a marriage in critical condition.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a potentially fatal issue and one best left to resolve itself. When it is necessary, addressing a problem and getting help can be scary. Certainly, confrontation is painful. Just like my sister’s surgery, the pain can be cutting and there is often a long recovery time. However, getting help leads to healing.

How do you know when it’s time to seek help for your relationship’s pain? SeattleChristianCounseling.com cautions against a “get help before it’s too late” mentality.

Marriage counseling offers a way to slow down and give attention to your marriage as it is, whether you are suffering from deep rifts that seem to deepen and widen every time you have an argument, or if you have specific problems that cause snags in your relationship that need to be addressed. Problems are a part of marriage. Every marriage has problems but they speak God’s design in marriage in order to help transform us. It is impossible to grow or mature without being challenged, and marriage is the path whereby two people become who they are meant to be in union with each other and in communion with God. Problems are the tools God uses to motivate us towards growth.”

There’s no need to fear pain but it is important to seek godly advice to promote healing.

Published on StartMarriageRight.com on July 19, 2012

Do You Hold Your Spouse Captive?

Do You Hold Your Spouse Captive?


By Abby Kelly on August 2, 2012

Saturday morning, I sat down to do my Bible reading and quiet time. I cracked my journal’s spine and jotted down a few lines of prayer,

Lord, please open your word to me this morning. Speak personally and give me insight into my life and your will for me. Give me wisdom.”

Cruising through the Old Testament, 2 Chronicles to be exact, isn’t exactly where one expects to find the most poignant application to marriage. We don’t practice arranged marriage anymore or have laws about what cultures we may or may not marry into.

It’s not like Philippians 2, where God commands us to consider others as better than ourselves. And unlike Titus 2, it doesn’t plainly outline what our biblical roles in marriage are. However, God’s word is sharper than any two-edged sword. It cuts between bone and marrow. It is living and active, and if our hearts are humble to receive it, God will teach us every time we open it, from every page and sentence.

My assignment was 2 Chronicles 28. Judah had a new king. Ahaz ruled in blatant rebellion to God’s commands. He even offered his sons as sacrifices to foreign idols. So, God sent armies to conquer Judah. One of those was the army of Israel (Israel and Judah had split after the days of King Solomon).

“The men of Israel took captive 200,000 of their relatives, women, sons and daughters. The also took much spoil from them and brought the spoil to Samaria.” (v.8)

I can imagine the conversations among the soldiers would go something like this: “Can you believe what they were doing in Judah? I mean, sacrificing their children? Nothing like that would ever happen in Israel. It’s hard to believe we’re related to them, we’ve maintained a much more godly society.”

I’ve had thoughts like that in my marriage when my husband has offended me. Sometimes I can even specifically point out where his behavior has been less than that of a godly husband. Then, I get carried away with my thoughts, imagining that I have been a more godly wife to him, that I have spent more time in prayer and Bible reading and that I am the more pious spouse. Even my prayers can turn into finger pointing like, “God help him to see the error of his ways and treat me more lovingly.”

God didn’t put up with that behavior from Israel and He won’t take it from me either. As soon as the soldiers marched home to Samaria a prophet named Obed met them at the gate. He chastised the Israelites for their fierce treatment of their brothers and their intention to keep them as slaves. And then he explained the mercy that God wanted them to show to their captives.

Behold, because the Lord was angry with Judah, he gave them into your hand, but you have killed them in a rage that has reached up to heaven. And now you intend to subjugate the people of Judah…as your slaves. (v. 9b-10) Now hear me and send back the captives from your relatives whom you have taken, for the fierce wrath of the Lord is upon you.”

When I lord an offense over my husband and assume a self-righteous attitude, I am in a sense taking him captive. I feel like I can hold him in my debt as the more righteous spouse.

In modern times, what would the prophet Obed say to me? Perhaps he would use the words of Paul, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Or Jesus’ words,

But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:15

There will be times when I am in the right and my husband has sinned against me. There will be just as many times when the opposite is true. What is important to God is that I remember forgiveness, fueled by humility and gratitude to a forgiving Savior.

(Published August 2, 2012 at Start Marriage Right.com)